Notes On Loneliness: Out of Seawater

001

Perhaps I will never be enough.

002

Perhaps I am all that I need to be enough. All the external sources of validation don’t matter as much; the most important factor is me and it is true.

003

Yet, I feel alone and lonely.

004

It’s okay to be alone, I can’t say much about the isolation of loneliness. When you are alone, you have people, you just don’t feel like being with them at a certain period of time. Your soul is connected to others and your body is aware of another and your mind wanders to the love you know will always be there for you. Being alone is solitude, it is embracing silence and the self-discoveries that come with it. With loneliness, all that is felt is the echo of an empty space. You need people who are not there with you and for you. Your soul, body, and mind yearn for those who don’t want them. You see people but none of them belongs with you. Loneliness is when you are stranded on the sea and thirsty but you can’t drink even though you are surrounded by water, and this fact by itself is killing. When you are lonely, all the people in your life become like seawater.

005

I choose to be alone. Sometimes. Fewer times.

006

Loneliness barges in with no manner. It doesn’t even ask for permission, just trespassing on my mind with no iota of respect.

007

I just want people.

008

I want friends who would ask after me and check up on me like I do. The other day, someone who was helping me sent me a DM saying she just wanted to check up on me and I almost cried. I don’t remember the last time I was checked on, but I do it regularly because I want to nurture my friendships.

009

Perhaps I should redefine the meaning of friendship. Now that I am thinking about it, I have never checked for what friendship meant.

010

I just did. My Merriam-Webster dictionary defines friendship as the state of being friends. Let me check what the word friends means.

011

“One attached to another by affection or esteem.”

012

Hmmmm.

013

Am I attached to another by affection or esteem? I know there are people attached to me by affection or esteem, but am I in that capacity for another?

014

Perhaps my best friend, Bukola, and…I think she’s the only person I can vouch for. But I’m not close to my best friend, she’s simply my favourite friend. We talk when we can and I can always rely on her but we don’t live near one another. I haven’t seen her in 6 years but we talk on the phone. I don’t miss her birthday, she doesn’t miss mine. We are not rich enough to buy one another super special gifts yet, but we are enough for one another. So I have a friendship where my nervous system is regulated and calm, but I want more. I feel lonely even though I have her. My friendship itch isn’t quite scratched with her.

015

I think I ruined some of the relationships that could have blossomed into a friendship too.

016

Or did I?

017

I’m learning to stop blaming myself for everything that went wrong. So while I contributed to the ruining, it takes two to tango. I’m speaking specifically about my case.

018

The most important thing is I’m growing and I’m shedding past selves who did wrong due to foolishness, who did wrong due to naivety, and who did wrong and enjoyed it. I’m still going to do wrong in the future but with more security and self-awareness. And I want friendships too, I want someone who I can call to talk about myself and herself and ourselves. Someone I can go out with and enjoy the abundance of time with. I’m trying my best to grow and shed past inadequacies to become a better person majorly because I want to be a good friend to my friends.

019

Age will reveal more things to me.

020

I’m yet to meet all the people who will love me. All my friends are in the future. This thought sends loneliness packing; out of seawater.